Dear Father Christmas,
This year I have been very good. Or quite good… sort of. It depends whether you hold racecourse managers to the same moral standard as bishops or something more akin to American presidents, in which case almost anything goes.
You’ll be glad to know that I have managed to avoid impeachment and I haven’t run into any trouble with the police or even the BHA – so I’ve either been covering my tracks very well or the bribery is paying dividends.
While I did receive a parking ticket on Thursday, that was mainly the fault of Simon Bazalgette’s friends at Racecourse Media Group – who threw such a great party to honour his tenure on the board there, that I was a trifle late retrieving my car from the train station the following morning. And please – let’s not moralise about the volume of alcohol consumed at the dinner – I’ve noticed that the generous measures of whisky that we leave out for you each year have never been left untouched…
But anyway, I’ve been tolerably well behaved this year and I wondered, if your reindeer were flying over Kelso Racecourse this Christmas Eve and you thought that I deserved a treat, whether you’d consider delivering the following things on my list:
- An apple, an orange and a nut (I’m not really too bothered about these quaint healthy edibles – I’m just going with tradition. You do realise that no one actually eats the nut? Once it’s escaped across the bedroom floor, it stays there for someone to stand on with their bare feet roughly three weeks into the new year – a painful but jolly reminder that you were once there…)
- A trail of reindeer dust across the sky that will keep the rain-clouds away until the night of 29th December – so that Kelso’s fixture can be staged on optimum ground in front of a festive crowd of happy racegoers.
- A betting slip inscribed with the following words: £20 win; Cyrname, King George VI Chase, Kempton, Boxing Day. (This will save me from having to reinvest winnings from this week’s selection, Not So Sleepy who runs in the 3.35 at Ascot on Saturday, as the money is currently destined for the purchase of a big juicy turkey).
- If necessary the following words can be added to the bottom of the betting slip: Lostintranslation, Cheltenham Gold Cup. Double.
- A new Weighing Room with hospitality space for owners with runners – I know it would seem like performing a minor miracle, but so is climbing down every one of the world’s chimney pots in 24-hours, so I’m sure it could be done.
- A nice wee dram – and please, have one for yourself.