While doing their best to preserve public health, the collective UK governments have attempted to create some simple rules for the facilitation of felicitous festive gatherings. Unfortunately most of us are still a bit confused and I can’t quite understand why they didn’t simply adopt the new saliva test devised exclusively for us at Kelso Racecourse.

Knowing how important it would be for the health and wellbeing of the population, we set to work to produce a ground-breaking test that would enable people to mix safely at Christmas. Sadly no top-level scientists were available – something about working on the development of new vaccines – so we sat down (for a substantial meal and a socially distanced glass of whisky) with a second rate theologian and attempted to reinterpret the wisdom of Solomon.

You’ll recall, from the Old Testament, that Solomon was the king who verified the true parentage of a baby boy by threatening to chop him in half with a large sword; the logic being that only the mother of the small child would prefer to give him away than to see him cut in two by the king. It was a test to see which of the two women cared most for the child’s welfare.

Our Coronavirus saliva test works in a similar way. When deliberating whether it’s appropriate to invite specific friends and family to your home for Christmas, we suggest that you consider the following: would you be happy to lick their face?

If the idea repulses you, either because you’d be concerned about catching the virus or the idea just fills you with revulsion, we’d suggest that it isn’t appropriate to invite that person to Christmas. If the individual is a bit vulnerable and your overwhelming concern is a worry about the viral risk that you’d present to them, then we believe that this too presents you with an answer. Using this system, I have already compiled my list of invitees which includes close members of my family, a couple of friends and several supermodels.

A similar test has been patented for the workplace, although we have yet to implement it in the racecourse office – not until we get the most recent tribunal resolved.

Which reminds me of an important point. Having formulated your list, it is key that any invitees reciprocate with similarly positive test results. After all, I have two dogs that will lick anyone’s face, but not everyone wants to lick theirs.

Trials of the new test are nearing completion and so far only one small snag has arisen. In some individuals we noticed that the test results changed after the consumption of alcohol. As with the placing of bets (this weekend’s selection is Not So Sleepy at 33/1 for the Fighting Fifth Hurdle at Newcastle), we recommend that the Kelso coronavirus saliva test is always taken in sobriety and that once the results are verified, you stick to them.

Happy planning.