So far this season we’ve welcomed 471 horses to Kelso Racecourse. That’s 1,884 hooves, most of them circumnavigating the track at least twice – so roughly 3,768 hoof prints every five metres or so, which equates to something over 1.5 million hoof-shaped divots on the track.

Life after lockdown has become so damn difficult. One week we’re being told which parties we can attend, when we’re permitted to have a drink and when we’re obliged to sit down. Now it’s all decisions, decisions, decisions.

Sometimes I just wish the Government would get more involved in my life and tell me what to do…

The First Minister has spoken and, as the late singer Meat Loaf might have said, “Anything is Permitted”.

Except of course that’s not exactly true – shoplifting is still heavily frowned upon, as is armed robbery, drug dealing, and driving at more than 20 miles-per-hour through any of the towns or villages of the Scottish Borders…

Who would be so duplicitous as to make up a set of rules that they aren’t willing to abide by themselves?

Except maybe parents who won’t allow their children to eat chocolate, drink alcohol or go to bed late. Or teachers who won’t allow pupils to vape and smoke. Or politicians who would prefer us not to have get-togethers after work, drinks and nibbles when someone could be having a funeral, or sexual relations with someone from another household…

The days are short, the nights still long and the festive period is over. As millions of people returned to their virtual offices this week, how many were dreaming of an imminent lottery win – a life-changing windfall that might facilitate the purchase of a holiday home in the sun or, even better, a racehorse to warm our hearts during the remaining weeks of Winter?

Just like last year, I’ll make a collection of resolutions – some of which I’ll stick to, some of which I’ll recommit to in the next ‘Groundhog Year’, presumably until I wake up in bed one morning next to the actress Andie MacDowell…

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the racecourse,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a racehorse;
Seating was placed round the enclosures with care,
In hope that crowds would soon be permitted there…

Excitement is mounting in Kelso this weekend as the cast of Frozen is set to descend on the town to enjoy a pre-Christmas get-together. There’s just one problem. Sven, the reindeer, has gone missing and we’re going to need some help finding him…

It came to pass that in the district of High Holborn, under the governance of the BHA, there came three wise persons saying: “Where are thy manners? For we have heard much evidence and we have decided that thy Weighing Room culture is rancid.”

The Government frowns on the use of damp wood and smoky fuel in domestic properties because they create microscopic particles, called PM2.5s, which are small enough to pass into the bloodstream and cause health issues.

So it’s a good job that all of the furniture that I hacked to pieces to keep warm this week was completely dry…