I am so very lucky. I nearly didn’t check my ‘junk’ e-mail folder over Christmas. And if I hadn’t, I’d never have known that the Federal Government of Nigeria had allocated me a compensation payment of 5.5 million dollars.
All I need to do now is send them my full name, address, date of birth and bank details and they’ll make a bank transfer straight into my account! But that’s not all. I received another e-mail on Christmas Day and it turns out that the Head of Operations at the Overseas Credit Commission has found an unclaimed parcel with my name on it – and it contains 10.5 million US dollars! (I don’t know what sort of dollars the Nigerians are planning to pay me in.) The very kind Head of Operations, a man called Mr Brook, will arrange for me to receive the full consignment of notes as long as I sign a legal document that transfers 40% of the value into his name.
And you won’t believe this. But there was another e-mail which explained how I could claim a 50% share of a legacy that was left a few years ago by a man called ‘Mr Richard’ – because we share the same name. I’m not quite sure how that works, because my name isn’t Mr Richard, but then most of these e-mails are addressed to the ‘information’ e-mail address at the racecourse, so perhaps they’re confusing me with my predecessor whose name isn’t exactly Mr Richard either – but it’s a closer fit than Garratt.
Anyway, it probably doesn’t matter much, because my correspondent, who is based in Ghana, is willing to forge documentation that says I am Mr Richard’s next of kin – after the unfortunate crude oil dealer died in a tragic accident in China. My correspondent, who is anxious to maintain his anonymity, will do this for a 50% share of the legacy which is worth 6.5 million US dollars – because otherwise his greedy banker bosses will simply take the whole lot anyway. You see, I’d be doing the World a favour!
All of this good fortune comes on top of a great year for my weekly selections which, after 51 weeks, are showing a profit of £45 to a £1 stake – thanks in no small part to wins for Flash The Steel at 16/1 and the Jimmy Moffat trained The Steward at 33/1. In fact the results have been so good that after this weekend’s tip (Cuban Pete in the Children’s Immunology Trust Steeplechase at Kelso on Sunday), the bookmakers have said they are going to close all my betting accounts.
But it’s okay because I’ve thought of a way to continue getting my money on. I will make my tips available to you personally by e-mail – and all you need to do is send me 50% of the winnings after each race. And don’t worry, of course I’ll pay my share of any losing stakes (and I’d never dream of sending a different horse’s name, running in the same race, to each of the different readers that accept this AMAZING offer).
Must go now. Apparently one of my friends is stuck in an airport having lost her passport. I just need to wire her £1,000 so that she can catch her flight in time to get to the races on Sunday…